| How many times have my motives been right? |
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| Lately I've been writing but not following through to finish. I hope that I'll make since. I was watching The Office last night and Michael from the show used the saying, "sometimes the end justifies the means" and it was hilarious in the context but the words lingered with me. I can't say for certain, but maybe that was the first time that I've really taken that saying apart and thought about it. Maybe my theology is wrong but my heart is aching and hoping that somehow everything in my life will make since in the end. When I was younger and maybe a bit more hopeful... I had so many dreams that I believed would become reality. But what is hope with out apathy?
I feel sorrowful inside but I feel so much joy in it too. I'm exhausted of trying to not feel the despair and only feel the good. I want to cry over dreams that never came true. I thought that I could do so much and be so much but I've only let my expectations keep my limbs and lips bound to the floor... but I want to fly, you know. I wanted something so bad. But here I am and it's all yours. Take this stone and make it a garden. I don't care if anyone else ever sees the flowers.. I just want to know you smell the fragrance and you see me. I don't think that I will experience my dreams here but I won't close myself down to it either. I'm here and you are too and I'm yours. Tare my walls down.. I'm hiding and I know it. I'll keep asking you and I won't stop. I'll meet my answers in my questions and my questions in my answers but I know you're beautiful and that's enough for me.
I'm full when I'm empty.. I'm up when I'm down. I'm rich when I'm poor and I'm strong when I'm weak. It's all because of you. I don't care if someone can explain it all to me, I still see you. All I want to do is run away to the woods and sleep beneath the stars and walk beside the streams and swim in the waters but although this world binds me, I have found true freedom. A wall can't withhold my soul and a voice can't speak louder than your whisper. Confusion can't wreck your peace. I'm dead when I'm alive. You know my name, you hold my hand. You won't let go of me. |
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| I have this feeling that I want something so bad that I can't breathe, I feel covered in bubble wrap or insulation... something constricting like a really tight restricting body suit and my joints only move at half the degree they were designed to. I don't know if I've ever been free and I don't know if I'll care tomorrow. It's one of those nights were I don't want to go to sleep because I think that in my sleep, as refreshing as it is, I'll become apathetic and not care again. I'm not in a perfect state of mind or anything and I don't want to stay this way forever but.... it's the control. I want to be in control of myself. I have my hands griped so tight around this constricting second skin I've formed that I won't even let You help me unless you fit in my box of giving me heart flutters or fresh baked cookies of enjoyment. I want what's real and I won't settle for just loving myself and please help the rest of me that wants to settle for being bland and not caring because it's "easier".. easier my butt. It's not easier on me. I can't do this on my own and I don't have any desire to pour my heart all over those who I hardly know.. so where do I fit. I've said it a million times before that this is it, this is just want it is. I've believed what I want but not what You'd like to see in me. How do you see these effort I see vanity in.. as efforts towards you? Sometimes I feel this connection with You like at this moment and you're saying I'm in you even though you don't see it and I love you even though you don't feel it and I'm pleased with you even when you're weak because in this moment I'm the strongest in you that I've ever been and it brings me joy.
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