| | I have this feeling that I want something so bad that I can't breathe, I feel covered in bubble wrap or insulation... something constricting like a really tight restricting body suit and my joints only move at half the degree they were designed to. I don't know if I've ever been free and I don't know if I'll care tomorrow. It's one of those nights were I don't want to go to sleep because I think that in my sleep, as refreshing as it is, I'll become apathetic and not care again. I'm not in a perfect state of mind or anything and I don't want to stay this way forever but.... it's the control. I want to be in control of myself. I have my hands griped so tight around this constricting second skin I've formed that I won't even let You help me unless you fit in my box of giving me heart flutters or fresh baked cookies of enjoyment. I want what's real and I won't settle for just loving myself and please help the rest of me that wants to settle for being bland and not caring because it's "easier".. easier my butt. It's not easier on me. I can't do this on my own and I don't have any desire to pour my heart all over those who I hardly know.. so where do I fit. I've said it a million times before that this is it, this is just want it is. I've believed what I want but not what You'd like to see in me. How do you see these effort I see vanity in.. as efforts towards you? Sometimes I feel this connection with You like at this moment and you're saying I'm in you even though you don't see it and I love you even though you don't feel it and I'm pleased with you even when you're weak because in this moment I'm the strongest in you that I've ever been and it brings me joy.
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| | Posted 10/20/2008 11:05 PM - 12 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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