orangeisthebestcolor's Xanga

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 01:16:22 GMT

How many times have my motives been right?

Monday, November 24, 2008

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 21:29:39 GMT

Lately I've been writing but not following through to finish. I hope that I'll make since. I was watching The Office last night and Michael from the show used the saying, "sometimes the end justifies the means" and it was hilarious in the context but the words lingered with me. I can't say for certain, but maybe that was the first time that I've really taken that saying apart and thought about it. Maybe my theology is wrong but my heart is aching and hoping that somehow everything in my life will make since in the end. When I was younger and maybe a bit more hopeful... I had so many dreams that I believed would become reality. But what is hope with out apathy?

I feel sorrowful inside but I feel so much joy in it too. I'm exhausted of trying to not feel the despair and only feel the good. I want to cry over dreams that never came true. I thought that I could do so much and be so much but I've only let my expectations keep my limbs and lips bound to the floor... but I want to fly, you know. I wanted something so bad. But here I am and it's all yours. Take this stone and make it a garden. I don't care if anyone else ever sees the flowers.. I just want to know you smell the fragrance and you see me. I don't think that I will experience my dreams here but I won't close myself down to it either. I'm here and you are too and I'm yours. Tare my walls down.. I'm hiding and I know it. I'll keep asking you and I won't stop. I'll meet my answers in my questions and my questions in my answers but I know you're beautiful and that's enough for me.

I'm full when I'm empty.. I'm up when I'm down. I'm rich when I'm poor and I'm strong when I'm weak. It's all because of you. I don't care if someone can explain it all to me, I still see you. All I want to do is run away to the woods and sleep beneath the stars and walk beside the streams and swim in the waters but although this world binds me, I have found true freedom. A wall can't withhold my soul and a voice can't speak louder than your whisper. Confusion can't wreck your peace. I'm dead when I'm alive. You know my name, you hold my hand. You won't let go of me.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 02:05:54 GMT

I have this feeling that I want something so bad that I can't breathe, I feel covered in bubble wrap or insulation... something constricting like a really tight restricting body suit and my joints only move at half the degree they were designed to. I don't know if I've ever been free and I don't know if I'll care tomorrow. It's one of those nights were I don't want to go to sleep because I think that in my sleep, as refreshing as it is, I'll become apathetic and not care again. I'm not in a perfect state of mind or anything and I don't want to stay this way forever but.... it's the control. I want to be in control of myself. I have my hands griped so tight around this constricting second skin I've formed that I won't even let You help me unless you fit in my box of giving me heart flutters or fresh baked cookies of enjoyment. I want what's real and I won't settle for just loving myself and please help the rest of me that wants to settle for being bland and not caring because it's "easier".. easier my butt. It's not easier on me. I can't do this on my own and I don't have any desire to pour my heart all over those who I hardly know.. so where do I fit. I've said it a million times before that this is it, this is just want it is. I've believed what I want but not what You'd like to see in me. How do you see these effort I see vanity in.. as efforts towards you? Sometimes I feel this connection with You like at this moment and you're saying I'm in you even though you don't see it and I love you even though you don't feel it and I'm pleased with you even when you're weak because in this moment I'm the strongest in you that I've ever been and it brings me joy.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 17:38:22 GMT

Apathetic or easy-going?

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 05:32:34 GMT

Offended or passionate?

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 02:00:33 GMT

Life is so odd and God is unpredictably incredible.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 04:22:42 GMT

I wanted to start this by saying lately I've been really anal about things but I've been thinking about it for a couple days and the truth is I've spent most of my life being anal about everything. I know for one thing that if you know me and you're reading this that I could seem like I'm being hard on myself because I know that in general when I'm with people I try really hard to be positive.. I don't want to be someone who tries, I just want to be.

Holy Spirit I just need you to come because I cannot handle myself or control my nature or love anyone and myself a part from you.

I've been very put out with myself lately and I've been taking that feeling towards myself and letting it become something I feel towards other people. I've been particularly rude to my mom lately and she has been so kind to me.. I almost think that God has allowed for me to be the way I have lately to show me His grace through her. Tonight in the car I was telling her I was sorry and that it's not her I'm tired of.. it's me I've been frustrated with and she told me that she wasn't upset if I really was tired of her or frustrated with her and that I can be who I am and I don't have to be making over things all the time because that would be weird.. or something a long those lines I don't remember exactly but it just absolutely made me break. It feels so amazing to be loved like that and I know that God loves me so much more and I hardly feel like I ever have understood that at all.

I'm struggling with all this eating stuff, ever since I started having horrible digestion problems last Spring I feel like I can't get it right. I feel like everyone is judging me all the time and I know that's because I'm judging myself at times and just in general thinking about my weight and food more than I used too. but the Lord loves me and I can truly trust in Him. It feel like there is still so much more that God wants me to learn from this and I don't care anymore if I deal with this for the rest of my life if He has more to teach me. I'd rather have digestion problems everyday than forget what He has shown me through it.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Sat, 19 May 2007 08:31:27 GMT

Things are so crazy.. everything! The world.. life.. breathing.. talking.. dreaming.

It blows me away... I liked today. It was like a million things happened that I wasn't a part of and I just got to watch God unfold a tightly compressed ball of papery darkness and straighten out it into something beautiful and bright.

A lot of interesting twists have happened to what I though was normalcy or routine... things are not as I perceive them and my perception is so small compared to God's... actually.. my perception feels small compared to an ants…even the ants know their way back home to put that rotting food on the table.

I take so many things out on people and God... it's so sick and twisted. I feel like I'm stuck in a web but always with one limb unstuck and every time I use that free limb to pry another limb off the web the originally free limb then becomes the trapped one... over and over.

I want to be free of all the chains that bind my soul (and sticky webs) and I want to be free to fly and be at peace with all things that come or go away from me. I'm convinced that no matter how hard I try I can't make myself pleased, happy or free but I'm just as convinced that God is good.. slow to anger and abounding in love and I believe that He will not always be angry, I believe that He knows that we are only but clay He breathed life into and we crack without Him and I believe that His love is from everlasting to everlasting and that He is fullness and wholesomeness.

Bless the O my soul and all that is inside of me. Give praise to God who picked me up out of darkness, shined light on my weary face and gave me a name calling me His own.

No matter what anyone thinks about me or says about me… I know that God is looking at me and saying that I'm His Daughter and that He loves me.

I'm not worried about today or any days to come and I'm not worried about being alone because I am not alone, no matter what.

Psalm 103

Friday, March 30, 2007

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 04:15:18 GMT

I'm not made up of much. I changed my signature today and learned to write a D in cursive.

I'm doing so much wrong... I have no capability of fixing myself yet I've seemed to try it that way. Lord please come.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 09:09:58 GMT

What does it mean, what will be, father I believe in you but i believe in myself but I want with everything in me to stop believing in myself show me what to do who to be where to go my words are hollow and empty but you are not. I miss our warm talks.. sincere smiles and heart warming chuckles, I know I think I'm odd but I want to be odder.. farther out.. farther away.. disconnected but a part... different than I have ever been.,.. I want more of you God whatever that truly means I ask for more of you but not how I've been asking for more of you where I want you and less of the parts of me I don't like. God please take all of me. ALL. the parts I've come to like somehow and the parts I've come to despise. I give to you my dreams, my hopes, my plans. I ask you for truth for truth in all things I come before you asking you for a heart that longs and yearns for truth not a heart that seeks comfort because in seeking comfort never will I know comfort I will only know fleeting games and façades of happiness and popular pass times to get though the ever increasingly difficult days hiding behind my I'm good's and how are yours. I want truth God I know that with truth comes true comfort. You are truth and comfort.. you are rest and love.. you are everything my heart yearns for but the last one I turn to. I want to be wrapped in your love and wrapped in your arms. I'm so tired of everything. God I have a lot of dreams most of them only you know... a lot of them little girl dreams but never in my life have you made me feel like they weren't important or safe in your arms.. I know that they will pass but thank you for holding onto them so dearly as a Father and never picking fun at my adolescence.. thank you for always treating me the way you say I am. You aren't like anyone or anything I've know in this physical world.